Yesterday, personality psychologist Dr. Jordan Marks was committed to a Toronto psychiatric hospital after retaking the Big 5 personality test.
“The last time I took the Big 5 I scored very high on conscientiousness and low on neuroticism, everything else was about average,” said Dr. Marks while rocking himself back and forth on the floor.
“But when I took the test last night, I was in the 60th percentile for conscientiousness and my neuroticism had gone through the roof. It’s almost like I’m a completely different person than when I originally took the test in 1985.”
“We were about to go to dinner,” said Dr. Marks’ wife, “But then Jordan couldn’t find his car keys. He’s usually such an organized person, but over the last couple years, he’s started losing things here and there. Jordan began beating himself up over this, and I tried to comfort him by explaining to him that people change, and that’s ok.”
“But then he got this crazy look in his eyes. He rushed out of the room and locked himself in his study. I went and waited by the door. He was silent for a while but then he started to scream ‘I don’t know who I am anymore’ with such vehemence I deemed it necessary to call 911.”
According to hospital officials, Dr. Marks won’t be released any time soon.
“The blow to his psyche is tremendous, I’m not sure if he’ll ever fully recover,” said psychiatrist Dr. Brenda Lourie. “We’ve had to put him in the PICU because within hours of intake he attacked the night nurse and stole her phone so he could go on 16personalities.com.”
Despite the grim prognosis, Dr. Lourie says there are available treatments.
“We have had some success in the past with bringing in a social psychologist to treat this kind of condition. By demonstrating the degree to which environmental and interpersonal factors affect who we are, we can slowly coax the patient away from a psychometric identity and towards a social theory of identity. But we have to be careful, because the patient could easily swing from one extreme to the other, entering a Foucaltian mind-plane of sociological determinism. If that occurs, and we are praying it does not, the patient is a lost cause.”