Outbreak of Jim Halpert Disorder at Local High School
Last week, there was a major outbreak of Jim Halpert disorder at Beaumont Highschool in Alberta. Clinical psychologists were called into the school to treat the problem, which has affected over 60% of the students.
“Jim Halpert disorder is a debilitating mental illness, where the afflicted individual is constantly looking into nonexistent cameras and making funny faces,” said Dr. Francine Montgomery, an expert in sitcom related psychopathology. “If the symptoms go untreated, this quickly escalates to an extreme indifference towards life, which inevitably leads to dangerous pranks as a means of offsetting boredom.”
“I don’t know what to do,” said Alvi Uches who teaches grade 12 math. “I’ve been trying to do my job, but none of these kids can pay attention. Anytime I say or do anything they just stare off into space and make snarky comments while rolling their eyes. Not only that, but they are constantly leaving class to go hang out at reception. This is madness.”
Thankfully, psychologists have identified a treatment for Jim Halpert disorder.
“The disorder is very treatable, all we need to do is expose the patients to some sitcoms that aren’t mockumentaries,” said Dr. Montgomery while loading up Seinfeld in the auditorium. “Most of these kids have been binge-watching The Office for years now, cycling through all nine seasons over and over again. It’s destroyed their brains; I blame Netflix personally. As a clinical psychologist, it is my sworn duty to introduce them to as many classic sitcoms as possible. Am I a hero? I really can’t say, but yes.”
NOTES: This story was actually inspired by a case of conversion disorder/hysteria that happened at a high school (link below). 99% of mental illnesses are not contagious like that (although if you read some critical psychiatrists they might disagree).
