Last week, there was a major outbreak of Jim Halpert disorder at Beaumont Highschool in Alberta. Clinical psychologists were called into the school to treat the problem, which has affected over 60% of the students.
“Jim Halpert disorder is a debilitating mental illness, where the afflicted individual is constantly looking into nonexistent cameras and making funny faces,” said Dr. Francine Montgomery, an expert in sitcom related psychopathology.
“If the symptoms go untreated, this quickly escalates to an extreme indifference towards life, which inevitably leads to dangerous pranks as a means of offsetting boredom.”
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do; how I can help these poor kids,” said Alvi Uches who teaches grade 12 math.
“I’ve been trying to do my job, but none of them can pay attention. Anytime I say or do anything they just stare off into space and make snarky comments while rolling their eyes. Not only that, but kids are constantly leaving class so they can go hang out at reception, I can’t even imagine what Stacey is going through…”
Countless students surrounded Beaumont’s reception area, where Stacey Jaspers attempted to do her administrative work while fighting them off.
“This is a nightmare,” said Jaspers. “All these students keep coming up to me and asking if I could shred paper for them as a flimsy pretense to flirt with me. They’re all like, ‘Hey Pam, Pam, Beasley’ and trying to get me to do pranks with them.”
“I really don’t know what’s happening, I haven’t even seen ‘The Office’, I’m more of a ‘Parks and Recreation’ person.”
Thankfully, psychologists have identified a treatment for Jim Halpert syndrome.
“The disorder is very treatable, all we need to do is expose the patients to some sitcoms that aren’t mockumentaries,” said Dr. Montgomery while loading up “Seinfeld” in the auditorium.
“Most of these kids have been binge-watching ‘The Office’ for years now, cycling through all nine seasons over and over again. It’s destroyed their brains; I blame Netflix personally.”
“As a clinical psychologist, it is my sworn duty to introduce them to as many classic sitcoms as possible. Am I a hero? I really can’t say, but yes.”