New Study Finds That Correlation Actually Does Equal Causation

Psychology researchers at Oakland University have conducted a groundbreaking study, the results of which challenge the longhand statistical assumption that correlation does not equal causation.

“Our team was genuinely shocked by the outcome of this study,” said Dr. Susie Red, a tenured professor and head of graduate research. “What started as an experiment designed to kill off the rats leftover from Mookie’s Ph.D. might be the most impactful psycho-scientific finding of all time.”

After publishing the paper in “Science“, Dr. Red called a press conference in order to discuss the finding’s implications.

“We’ve all been told that correlation does not equal causation, but that’s bullshit. If correlation didn’t equal causation, then how would we know anything at all? We wouldn’t. We would only know things are related, and even that we wouldn’t know, because we wouldn’t know if things being related caused things to be related.”

Since the press conference, hundreds of psychologists have voiced their support for Dr. Red’s statistical methods.

“It’s like she’s finished psychology,” said Dr. Terrence Robarts, president of the American Psychological Association. “Our methods before were crude and misguided, but thanks to the brilliant science of Dr. Red and her team, psychology is more methodologically rigorous than ever before.”

NOTES: The biggest statistical error we make all the time is thinking that correlation (two variables being related) is the same as causation (one variable causing another). Even experts make this mistake all the time, since it’s incredibly compelling. Correlations are easy to find, causation not so much.