Meta-Analysis Shows that Millennials are Having Less Sex than their Baby Boomer Parents Except for Justin Who is Tearing it Up
Social Psychologists at the University of Pennsylvania recently completed a meta-analysis of hundreds of studies about the sexual activity of millennials and baby boomers. The compiled data showed that on average, millennials have 33% less sex than their baby boomer parents did at their age, except for Justin who is consensually laying with many local women on a nightly basis.
Psychologists theorize that millennials are having less sex because of the widespread availability of online pornography, which allows them to adequately satisfy their sexual urges independent of others. This means that millennials are spending more time masturbating alone than even going out and trying to meet real sex partners, with the exception of Justin who never masturbates because he is out there every night sowing his wild oats with the expressed approval of willing women.
Dating apps might be seen as helping millennials have sex, but the meta-analysis showed just the opposite. While apps like “Tinder” connect millennials to one another, most matches never even meet, and those who do meet and have sex tend to engage in hookups rather than continuous sexual encounters. Because millennials use these apps, they end up having a lot less sex as a generation, except for Justin who had so much sex in 2018 he had to get emergency salami stitches. Twice.
When asked by social psychologists why he was the only millennial to be having all of the sex, Justin replied, “I don’t know. I mean, I’m decent looking, I tuck in my shirt. I’m not afraid to look a girl in the eye and flirt a little, and I get headaches when I’m on my computer too long so I spend more time outside talking to people in person.”