On the last stop of his “12 Rules For Life” tour, world-renowned professor Jordan Peterson delivered a four-hour lecture on Harambe the gorilla to a sold-out audience.
“It’s a problem, see, and I think the problem goes something like this,” said Dr. Peterson in his thick Albertan accent. “We have a gorilla, one of our ancestral relatives, in a very complex situation. Though Harambe had ascended the zoo’s dominance hierarchy, he was killed dishonourably.”
“And why was Harambe killed?” Peterson paused and looked upwards quizzically.
“I think it’s something like this. See, a lot of media outlets reported that Harambe was killed because a small child wandered into his habitat, and Harambe was a threat to the child’s wellbeing. “But was Harambe a threat to the child, or was the child a threat to Harambe? The answer is obvious given the body count.”
“Look, Harambe was killed because he posed a threat to the tyrannical left. That glorious ape and his accrued evolutionary wisdom were too much for the postmodern-neo-Marxists to handle.”
Dr. Peterson’s lecture was thrilling, blending psychology, philosophy, religion, and evolutionary theory into a compelling argument. At first, the thesis wasn’t clear, but about two and a half hours into the lecture it was unmistakable: Harambe was, in fact, a reincarnation of Jesus Christ himself, sent by God as a message to not let the communists win.
“See, when Harambe died on that fateful day in 2016, it was rough. I mean, that’s rough man… But thanks to Harambe’s sacrifice, humanity itself was reborn. Nothing has been the same since, and it’s very possible nothing will be the same again. Armageddon is invariably approaching, and when we fight the radical leftist-feminist-neo-Marxist-communist-anarcho-socialists in the streets, Harambe will descend from heaven and lead us into battle on horseback. I mean, Dostoevsky predicted this like a hundred years ago.”
Dr. Peterson received a standing ovation.
NOTES: Two controversial names: 1) Jordan Peterson is the most famous psychologist in the world, known for his charismatic lectures and critique of the left. 2) Harambe is a gorilla who was killed after a child climbed into its cage, sparking a strong reaction from the internet.