At a recent psychoanalysis conference in Frankfurt Germany, Freudian analysts came together from across the world with hopes of improving their therapeutic skills and meeting like-minded people.
Though psychoanalysis has fallen out of favour over the last few decades, this conference may have put the discipline back on the map.
It all started when Kyle Anderson, who had recently completed his masters in psychotherapy, took the stage to give a talk entitled “A Lacanian Perspective on Post-Colonial Trauma.”
In order to use the powerpoint slides he prepared, Kyle connected his laptop to the venue’s screen. Once the two were synced up, Kyle’s desktop photo of him and his mother at the beach was visible by all conference attendees.
“Holy shit! Kyle, who is that smoking hot piece of wienerschnitzel you’ve got there?” shouted Dr. Alfreck Wilhem, a 67-year-old Austrian psychiatrist.
Kyle laughed nervously. “Oh her, that’s just my mom. We’re really close.”
The audience gasped loudly, then began whispering amongst themselves, many of them pointing at the picture of Kyle and his good-looking mother.
Before Kyle could load his powerpoint slides, Wilhelm Reich scholar Dr. Kelly Becker stood up on her chair and asked, “would you make love to your mother Kyle? Because, if I were you, I definitely would Kyle. I would just make sweet sweet love to your mother all night long.”
“Don’t you feel that way, Kyle? Don’t you?” The audience nodded their heads in approval.
Kyle appeared flustered. “No, I don’t feel like that at all… I think you’re getting the wrong idea. My mother and I have a normal mother-son relationship. I get the whole Oedipus thing, but you have to understand…”
It was at that moment that Kyle looked into the front row and saw three elderly psychoanalysts with their pants around their ankles, each one actively engaged in what psychoanalysts refer to as “the primal addiction”. Disgusted, he unplugged his laptop and left the stage, eliciting boos and jeers from the audience.
“This, just now ladies and gentlemen, has been a pivotal moment in our field,” said conference organizer Rene Stumpf, who donned the stage after Kyle.
“Now that we know Kyle has the sexiest mom, we can adjust our psychoanalytic methods accordingly, and probe ever deeper into the unconscious.” Stumpf also announced she would take it upon herself to reread and re-translate all of Freud’s works, saying “if we missed something this big, there’s probably a lot more in there we missed too.”
Kyle’s mom has declined to comment.