At a recent psychoanalysis conference in Frankfurt Germany, Freudian analysts came together from across the world with hopes of improving their therapeutic skills and meeting like-minded people. Though psychoanalysis has fallen out of favour over the last few decades, this conference may have put the discipline back on the map.
It all started when Kyle Anderson, who had recently completed his masters in psychotherapy, took the stage to give a talk entitled “A Lacanian Perspective on Post-Colonial Trauma.” In order to use the powerpoint slides he prepared, Kyle connected his laptop to the venue’s screen. Once the two were synced up, Kyle’s desktop photo of him and his mother at the beach was visible by all conference attendees.
“Holy shit! Kyle, who is that smoking hot piece of wienerschnitzel you’ve got there?” shouted Dr. Alfreck Wilhem, a 77-year-old Austrian psychiatrist.
Kyle laughed nervously. “Oh her, that’s just my mom. We’re really close.”
The audience gasped loudly, then began whispering amongst themselves, many of them pointing at the picture of Kyle and his good-looking mother.
Before Kyle could load his powerpoint slides, Wilhelm Reich scholar Dr. Kelly Becker stood up on her chair and asked, “Would you make love to your mother Kyle? Because, if I were you, I definitely would Kyle. Don’t you feel that way, Kyle? Don’t you?” The audience nodded their heads in approval.
Kyle appeared flustered. “No, I don’t feel like that at all,” he said. “I think you’re getting the wrong idea. There is nothing oedipal going on whatsoever. My mother and I have a normal lover-son relationship… I mean, mother-son relationship… I mean… Ugh.”
After several more demeaning comments from prominent psychoanalysts, a mortified Kyle unplugged his laptop and left the stage, eliciting boos and jeers from the audience.
“Ladies and gentlemen, what you just witnessed may be the biggest breakthrough in psychoanalysis since the ascension of the ‘Milf’ category,” said conference organizer Rene Stumpf, who donned the stage after Kyle. “Now that we know Kyle has the sexiest mom, we can adjust our psychoanalytic methods accordingly, and probe ever deeper into the murky waters of the subconscious.”
Kyle’s mom has declined to comment.
NOTES: Most people think Freud believed that sons wanted to have sex with their mothers, but this is somewhat of a misreading. What Freud meant by “sex” was any kind of contact that was pleasurable. So when he said that boys go through a stage in life where they want sex with their mothers, he’s not referring to something penetrative, more like the comfort and affection young boys derive from being near their mothers physically and emotionally.