Correlation Between Female Depression and Zoodle Consumption no Longer Questionable

Psychologists at Rice University have just published a paper detailing the results of their longitudinal study on female depression. Bullying, social isolation, and anxiety were all found to predict depressive thoughts and behaviours reasonably well, but as researchers hypothesized, the greatest risk factor for female depression was found to be zoodle consumption.

“Over the last few years female depression rates have skyrocketed drastically,” said Dr. Shonna Yang who spearheaded the research. “Most people have tried to blame this on the usual suspects, social media for instance, but I had a hunch that it was the substitution of spiralized zucchini for what would otherwise be delicious carby noodles that has negatively impacted the mood of young women worldwide.”

“Our finding is supported by the biological literature, which shows a causal link between eating zoodles and extreme inflammation in the female brain. Interestingly, no studies have shown zucchini in and of itself to cause inflammation. It is only when the zucchini has been forced to masquerade as spaghetti or pad thai that it becomes toxic.”

Dr. Yang had one zoodle related policy suggestion:

“It is absolutely imperative that Buzzfeed is shut down, at the very least banned from the major social media platforms,” she said. “They, more than anyone else, have influenced young women to substitute wholesome starches and life-affirming comfort foods with soggy strands of summer squash.”

At the moment, Dr. Yang and her team are seeking funding for their next study, which will investigate the relationship between borderline personality disorder and cauliflower rice.

NOTES: Zoodles are made by putting raw zucchini through a spiralizer or food processor. They resemble spaghetti noodles in shape, and are used as a healthy noodle replacement.